Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The skinny on being Fat; The Beginning

This is for me! I have finally decided to take charge of my life and get off this roller coaster of watching my weight rule me.I have decided that the way for me to do that is to be honest with myself and everyone else. So, to start, I am not one of those people who had the misfortune of being born large, no, I did this all on my own. I started out an average sized baby, small even, coming into this world at a whopping 4 lbs. I was a slender little girl. My Mother, God bless her, was thin by nature and my Dad , his body was his temple. He has always worked out. Even now, at the age of 61, he rides his bike and walks or jogs daily. Yes, daily!!! As a child, he would take us with him. We went willingly, even excitedly. Who didn't think it wasn't awesome to spend time playing around with their Dad, doing something he loved. Well, my Dad loved to work out, to run, to play soccer, do karate, and ride the bike. Somewhere, between our leisurely bike rides and learning to count in Japanese while he taught us the correct way to throw a punch, he made us run. It started out as fun filled races between my brother and myself but evolved into "Run, faster, faster!" And fast was never fast enough, and it made me absolutely loathe running. The more he pushed , the more I hated it.Now, I am not blaming him for me being fat, I am simply explaining why I hate to run:) So, I hit puberty and I put on some weight, as all girls do. I wasn't obese but you know how when you're a teenager, everything is larger than life? Well,that's how I felt about the weight I gained, it didn't go straight to my breasts and hips like one would hope..no it decided to linger in the middle first. Just long enough, to make me self conscious of my body.And in truth, that was the beginning of the end. In those years that followed, the combination of being larger than a size 2 and having braces, having a house full of little brothers and sisters who were cut throat insulters (you know how it is? You have 6 kids in 1 house and when you get mad at each other, you find that one vulnerability and you pick at it, until you've broken the opponent.)Well, my vulnerability was my weight.In my house, at the age of 13, on any given day, I was sure to be called brace face or "Fat Cow" by one of my siblings. Mind you, they were all younger but it still hurt like hell and it made me even more self conscious about my weight because it planted the seed, and made me wonder, is that what people see? Am I really that fat? Add to the mix, a first boyfriend who was older and super hot (to me) and had dated just about everybody at his high school and all the years of my Dad telling me I was beautiful and smart, seemed not to matter.Because, even though he was telling me I was beautiful and smart, he was also 'suggesting' that I go for a run or workout. None of this was intentional, I was not mind fucked by my boyfriend or purposely chastised by my Father, but the circumstances were enough of a catalyst to perpetrate a pretty awful case of body dismorphic disorder, which evolved into a pretty strong case of anorexic bulimia. Wow, that was a mouthful! Anyways, nobodys fault but my own. After high school, see since I was just "chunky" and not "obese" I always felt like I snuck into the party and was going to be found out and either kicked out or humiliated and then kicked out, neither option did I relish. I was semi popular and had a large group of friends, and that boyfriend I referred to was pretty damn hot and sweet to boot.It was all my problem. I was the only one who was mind fucking me, and doing a bang up job, if I do say so myself.This went on for all four years of high school. During this time, I got straight A's, did all the things a teenager is suppose to do and had a lot of fun doing it, but the one thing I couldn't get hold of was my weight. It never got out of control, just enough to be annoying. Let's use this as an example: if every other girl I knew was a size 6, I was an 8. So, even though I wasn't huge..it was huge to me. I move on to college, and was so afraid of gaining the "Freshman 15" that I actually began ( this is so ridiculous that I hate to even say it aloud or put it to paper but honesty, and starting over and all that shit..I'm doing it) eating ,for instance, 1/2 a plain bagel, a small banana, and a large cup of water. I would then leave the dining hall, do not pass go and run directly for the nearest bathroom...to vomit. I would follow that by then going to my room, changing my clothes, and heading to workout for an hour or 3 at the co Rec. Yeah, I was pretty crazy. And if you think that's crazy, well , you've not even began the ride on this crazy train. I got busted the first time, by my best friend ( possibly the smallest girl on campus..talk about insult to injury) for barfing, so instead of stopping the vomiting..I just decided to run to another building, where I'd be less likely to get busted. Yes, I infiltrated other peoples dorms...just to barf! WTF ,you ask? Yes, I agree..WTF!!! During this time, there was another boyfriend..back at home and I just felt out of control. So, I controlled what I ate and how my body looked. I know when people hear "bulimia" they automatically thing of a crazy in the corner scarfing a sleeve of oreos and then puking but I was not like that..there was no binging....only purging. So, obviously, I started losing weight.Long story short, I got busted barfing again, I went home..my Mom knew (she kept me home a semester), my Dad didn't..he sees me and says "oh sweetie, you're looking good!" Thanks Daddy. Mom's trying to fix poor broken me, Dad's telling me its working (without knowing what he's saying) and I came home but I never stopped..not for 7 years. Oh yeah, I was a pro. A very skinny pro.I remember barfing up to 10 times a day, I was a silent barfer, I had no gag reflex, I learned what tasted gross coming up or would choke me and stayed away from those foods, and I learned not to brush my teeth immediately after or the toothpaste would react with my stomach acids and eat at my enamel (rookie mistake) so, I always had mouthwash. Oh yeah, I was a professional..a sneaky, lying, empty stomach, bony professional. The more people told me I looked sick because I was getting too skinny, the more I was like "yes" ( and very proud of myself for my accomplishment and discipline) in my own twisted mind, this was positive reinforcement. But I had to lie, and that caused guilt, which caused me to puke even more..it was truly awful. It consumed me. Then I met my now husband, and it hit me( after we got engaged) if he finds out , he's going to think I am stark raving crazy and leave me. I didn't think my fragile mind or body could take that. So, I made myself stop...cold turkey. Do you know what happens when you do that? Well, let me tell you...your body pretty much says ,"Fuck you Bitch, you're not starving me again!" and it boycotts you.My metabolism went on hiatus and has never returned. So, now I have to regain my body's trust and we got to be partners again.I'm not the only one in charge any more, I lost my privileges. Let's put it this way, I am ,honestly ( oh how I hate admitting this,but the only way I can overcome this is to face my fears. I feel like I should be in a meeting, saying ,"Hi my name is Debi, and I am a self induced fat ass. To which you all respond, "We love you Debi!",right???) , 100 lbs heavier than I was when I met my husband (poor guy he was duped).For 11 years, I have steadily been gaining weight. What I thought was "fat" when I was a teenager, is what I want to be now. My metabolism is so jacked up that it doesn't want to lose a pound. It is going to be hard, but I have got to do this..this time. The time is now. I have 2 little girls and I want to be a good role model. I don't want them to associate their worth with the size of their jeans and I don't want to be the embarrassing "Fat Mom". You know what I'm talking about, the one all the kids think is great but she's "fat" and the minute they get mad at your kid they are going to talk about his/her "Fat" Mom!! So, I've decided to start this journey,that may never end but you know, anything I work for and lose ( in terms of weight)is much better than doing nothing and getting bigger, more unhealthy and more deeply disgusted with what I have let myself devolve into. I am better than that and I refuse to let my value in life be measured by my size. I wish I were one of those lovely women who are ,in fact, Big and Beautiful but I am not. I am little and vain,and though I know I am worth more than my weight...I can not escape that it does play a part in how others judge me and even more so, how I condemn myself. So, here is my new mantra : God is Fair, nobody's perfect. Love what ya got, change what you can, and be happy with the journey. That's where my journey begins..today. I started working out last week and logging my food like a fanatic ( channeling my obsessive craziness)and as of today, I am down 4 lbs..only 11 more to go until I hit my first "goal". Baby steps my friends, baby steps!You gotta walk before you can run...and I got a lot of baby steps to take before I can come full circle and learn to love running again. My goal is a 5K, when I am healthy and fit enough to run like I used to, with the freedom and spirit of a child.

1 comment:

  1. Good for YOUUU!!! I wore the fat suit for years! It's really hard to take care of yourself when you only have the love & time to take care of your mini meez! I can relate whole heartedly but when you learn the tricks to weight loss and make it a life style the lbs. just fall off! hope you have a good day!